何ですか?

It's not so much a compromise - it's acknowledging that while you have your desires and your right to be upset, your thoughts and actions also affect others other than yourself, and that they deserve to be taken into consideration too. Sometimes it's okay to let go, so that others can have a turn at uncomplicated bliss, which is never truly without the expense of someone else. Looking back, in your young life, having never felt less than happy and unaware, do you not think it's time to take that step into adulthood, and let those who have been responsible for your happiness feel the way they have been letting you feel for such a long time, for a change?

It's only grateful. Fair.

Once you understand that everyone should have their turn to be allowed to feel that way. That the kind of happiness most taken for granted is the kind that we don't even know we're feeling. Then you start to see who is responsible for your happiness. The kind that is uncomplicated, free.

It came that way because of the sacrifices someone else made. Swallowing back hurt or emotions. Spending less so you can have more. All the time never telling you about it so you won't have to worry. All for you.

It's only right that now that you can see this, that you take a deep breath and do the same, for them. Sometimes it involves doing things that defy the logic of self-interest, but you know that it is the right thing to do. These are the things that nobody can teach you, that you can only discover for yourself in the course of your life. Even if you came to understand a little later than others, and you have only begun to scratch the surface, you must take pride that you have grown up, if just a little.

I've always thought I knew how to love. Not exactly. Having discovered this one facet of it makes me realize how much of an effort it is to develop such a deep and complex relationship with another human being. And despite the sheer amount of work involved, everyone seeks it. Everyone needs it. And so they have, and will, for eons to come.

I don't think I'm ruining something so instinctual and natural by over-analyzing it. I believe, when you take the time to understand something, even if not entirely, you learn how to appreciate it better, and it becomes even more beautiful. Even if it's not always rainbows and butterflies. Because you have to acknowledge something to exist to appreciate something else. How can there be light without darkness?

Push and pull. Give and take. The tide. The wheel. Up and down. Peaks and vales. It's all the same, don't you see?

Project Paint My Wall à la Collage?

Alrighty!

I have come up with a breeleeyant idea for a project! And I'm really really excited and the reason I'm writing about it is because I have a tiny issue with commitment and I feel once I have put it down here, it'll help me get started for real. It's kinda like I'm signing a pre-nup with my idea. Hahah.

Basically, it's a little like Project 365 which I've seen lots of people do for awhile now, but I'm not going to do that because I am a lousy photographer. :P

The idea is to pick a wall in the house, and divide it into squares about 7in x 7in, and basically just fill in those squares with whatever I feel like painting in.

Seeing as to the fact that I don't actually have a diary, I thought this would be a perfect opportunity to chronicle this current point of my life, but not really, because a lot of the squares could quite possibly be picture gags like this one. Because I have a sophisticated sense of humour like that.

Just stuff. I don't think I really need to explain it.

Also I think it would be great to develop a brand-new skill and hopefully I'll even learn some cool stuff along the way.

So anyway! I will be going to to hardware shop for paint soon (tomorrow?) and I have already chosen my first piece! It's really simple but I might be more ambitious in future and paint someone's face! Any willing contributors? Anyone? :D Of course I would have to learn how to vector your portrait (I'm no Van Gogh so I'll need to cheat!) but if you're cool enough to contribute to my silly little project then I shall be cool enough to learn how to use Photoshop. :)

One of the rules of setting goals is to set a realistic time period in which you hope to achieve that goal, but I don't really know when I will be done with this, or whether it will end up like most people's Project 365's. But the wall would look really strange if I painted in like 10 squares and lost interest so yeah. I may not be brave enough to get tattoo sleeves (I chickened out, did I tell you that? After the disaster with my first one. I'm still in the process of getting rid of it and I'm horribly embarrassed about it and in case you were wondering, YES IT HURTS LIKE A BITCH!!) but I can still decorate my wall with random pictures!

Wish me luck! ;)



PS: OMG the post has been sitting here for like an HOUR. I'm getting cold feet?!? This is ridiculous. COMMIT!! *clicks Publish button*

改变自己

Clearly, I do not get much respect.

From anyone.

But from you... Well, that's a bit too much for me to take.

I have respected you as much as a person can respect another human being. Everything you say is brought to my consideration and by default, everything you say is true.

Because you're so smart and insightful and cool and funny and open-minded.

My long-held beliefs of you were shattered that day.

It became clear to me that you did not want me as a participant in your life, that you expected me to sit content by the sidelines, because according to you, I have nothing to offer intellectually.

OUCH.

MAJOR, MAJOR OUCH.

For someone I love and respect so much, to say that to me... Wow. I can't even find the words.

Judging by how you won't even hear me out, how you keep interrupting me to assert how you are right and I am wrong, before even hearing what I have to say before discerning my accuracy on the matter, just shows your utter disrespect to me. And how I hate it when you're so full of yourself at times.

Yes. You heard me. Your arrogance is not something I will be taking. You might not like to hear it, but that doesn't change the fact that it is true. I deserve respect just like everyone else, and by gum you will show it to me.

Therein lies a small problem.

Not a whole lot of people have respect for me. I don't think I'm largely hated or anything; it's just that if it's a major job or decision or an important discussion, I'm rarely, if ever, included. If nearly everyone reacts the same, the problem must be me.

I know that I am just as capable as the next Joe in everything; but perhaps I do not exhibit such qualities of someone worthy of respect, trust and whose opinions are taken seriously and are of significant value.

Perhaps they are responding to the way I act - perhaps my humour should be less self-deprecating. Perhaps I should stop acting like an airhead just for amusement. Perhaps I should engage in substantial conversation more often. Perhaps I should not be embarrassed to show what I can do. Perhaps I can direct my feelings of displeasure in a more constructive way as opposed to wallowing in tears and despair.

Perhaps I should change the image I project of myself.

Change comes from within, and thus in context I am changing the very fabric of me.

Will I get better response with this new me?

Honestly? I don't know. But it's a shot at something better than now.

But until then, I cannot speak to you until I know you respect me, and I cannot be sure of that until I make myself worthy. I am angry and deeply hurt because of what you said, but what you think of me is my own fault, and at nobody else's discretion to change but mine.

Heart On My Sleeve

Okay, it's true. This needs a little update.

WARNING: Bloody long and senseless emotional conversation with myself ahead.

I've been having a hard time meeting new people at the new uni. Time and time again I remember how I met incredible people and how it ached not seeing them again.

Kindie.

First grade.

Second.

Sixth.

Second year of high school.

Teen basic.

Fifth.

ATC.

Work.

I console myself and say, "Well, aren't you glad that these relationships happened?"

Yes, yes I am. I wouldn't want to change meeting you guys for anything in the world.

It's really amazing that all of you are so different - and therefore beautiful - in your own special ways.

The way you laugh.

Your little quirks.

The way we can talk about everything and nothing at all.

The dorky things and hysterical moments we share.

The important things in your life you let me in on.

How you tell me about things I've never heard of before.

All of you add a little something in my life which makes up a little part of who I am. And I love you so so much. But when it's time to move on it gets a little hard on me.

Maybe I shouldn't be so attached to things. Maybe this is a little lesson in growing up.

Maybe I should just go out and have as many good times with as many people as I can - and be happy about it.

Can I?

***

PS: Spam is getting a pretty intolerable. Might change URL soon?

FF13

Is awesome. So awesomely pretty I could die. So awesome, that I-don't-play-RPGs Justin has been roped in. So awesome... Okay I'll stop now. But it *is* pretty awesome. :B

***

Rant alert!

Day by day I grow a little more weary of women. So complicated, so complicating, so emotional, so sensitive, such drama magnets.

It drives me insane. Up the wall. I swear.

Now I know why boys were/are favoured as kids. Makes me wish I were a man but I'd have to marry one so that would kind of defeat the purpose.

I am making no sense.

The point is, companionship is supposed to make you feel good. Lift your spirits. Make you feel loved and appreciated and give you that extra kick to keep going on. But many a time when I'm in female company I just feel worried and frustrated and emotionally drained.

But how do you judge someone who's just like you.

Well that was utterly pointless. Moving on.

***

Finals in April coming up soon. Starts a day before my birthday (can you say, whee?) and stretches out for 2 weeks. Lecturers are nagging us to get our studying rears in gear. And so it begins.

THANK GOD I will have a month's worth of hols in May before 2nd Sem starts. Oh God, 2nd Sem... *buries face in hands*

I'm guessing I'll major in Accounting; I'm realizing now that not having basics for Econs and Management theories makes things just a stretch harder to pick up.

On another note, was helping out Justin with Science and Math today when I realized that I totally cannot do Form 2 Math and Science anymore. I don't remember the basic rules for angles and indices and algebra; I can't remember what a cochlea does and why the doc sticks the syringe in your arm and not your eye for instance. Jeebus where did all that knowledge go.

I am smart I am smart I am smart yes I am...

***

Speaking of high school stuff I was going through the scribblies in my old books when I found a jumbled poem I wrote while not paying attention in a certain class.

And so he writes
With chalk upon the blackboard
I think to myself: "Go fly kites,
I'm really bored!!!"

Sigh. I was such an eloquent child. Wide-range vocabulary too.

PS: I think I've figured it out. I just don't like you very much.

I Have Been Called Many Things.

I have been called a bitch.



I have been called perverted.



I have been called a "banana".



I have been called fat.

Ooh yeah baby come get some


I have been called blonde.



I have been called a big baby.



Heck; I've been called Ugly Betty.



Some have even compared my nose to Michael's.



But the one thing that I will not stand for, is if people call me

.

.

.

.

.

SEPET.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you, *the face*. And his friend, *the finger*.

My eyes happen to be HUGE dammit.

See.

Fuck you very much.


***


On a more sober note, I've noticed that a coupla buddies have been having it rough lately. I'm no good with words; especially when it matters. But hey! The sun's shining, the Earth's spinning round, you're still here. Cheer up 'kay! It doesn't do the stalker good to see ya down. :)

One day, I will man up enough to tell you that I care. Without sounding gay.

Until that day I shall remain chickenshit and ambiguous. And write nonsensical posts in a pitiful attempt to make you smile, if only for a second in your 24-hour day.

Loveyoumwahbye

I'm Ready! I'm Ready!

Bring it on, suckas!

Uh, I think. *twiddles thumbs*

Basic accounting is fun. 8B

I think I will do it every morning for the rest of my life. (super 8B)

Theory = Not so fun. :{

I Am Brave Enough For Change.

Some time ago...

B: *sigh* Jackie... People respond to the way you behave! Nobody else gets the problems you do! Behave the way you want people to respond to you, understand?!

Aku: *shakes head*

B: *sigh* You see! When you talk, it's always like you've done something wrong; automatically people will think you've done something wrong and they will be angry! When you talk you must be commanding; if not people will bully you girl!

Aku: Does that mean... people will always push me around, given half the chance?

B: YES!!

Aku: *twiddles thumbs*

B: Speak up! Be assertive! Make people listen to you!

Aku: *still twiddling thumbs* Okay.

B: *somewhat exasperated* One day, you're gonna stand up and say,

"Fuck this shit;
you ain't gonna push me around no more!"
Yeah!! :)

Aku: (Weally? Wow.) :)

***

I is not worthy of other people's belief in me if I get kickass advice and not take it in and translate it into reality.

*inhales* Today is the day. >:(

I Think...

...it's about time I cut my hair.

***

Went shopping with Ongykins and Khim at Bangsar Village the other day. The boutiques are the cutest little things! I do believe a revisit is in order. :D

I bought dresses! You may keel over and die of laughter now. But they were so many, and so purty, I wanted to buy 'em all! But Khim stopped me from buying that dress with the blue cartoon apples print. :(

So when we walked into one such boutique right, this song was playing, and I fell in love with it. HOW DID IT TAKE ME SO LONG TO DISCOVER YOU.

Okay so now that I'm twirling about the room with happiness with my haul, I guess I should thank Ongykins, even though she invited me to bake but I went home and made casserole instead forbade me to come to Boy Sook2's place and baked a prettyful pie without me. *upturns nose*

So here you go! Pictures of your fave baybee. :)

My iPhone camera sucks balls, I know. Sorry.

***

Chippendales has come to Singapore! I shall no longer have to go all the way to Vegas! Or to Bangkok and pay for ones that don't even understand the lewd things I'm saying! Because communication is always important.

My 21st is the coming. :D Who's paying?

***

Would you look at the cutesy little baby schnookums in her widdle Burberry-ish dog bed~
=3

**(edit)
Casserole is the ugliest, most delicious thing I've ever been proud to say I made. ^^

Ugly + Sedap = Always a winning combination.

Erotica. Santa Monica. Coca Cola.

Okay, fine. I miss McD's-ing. As unmanly as pouring out my feelings sounds.

Heartless suns of beaches posting happily about meeting up. *scowl*

...

Waking up in a new city (fine, not that far from home, but still) every morning can be a little unnerving, but also really exciting, for lack of a more inventive word.

Taking on the full responsibility of a household is by no means an easy feat, especially living with children as inexperienced as myself. We get on each others' nerves every once in awhile, but generally are happy enough with each other to be goofy with. Even if I do get called a neat freak.

And then there was one. Who didn't think so.

I don't think it's very mature or constructive of me to take everything personally and get seriously offended over the whole affair, but that doesn't mean I don't feel that way. But it doesn't make me any happier so I might as well dispense with it and finally accept that I can't make everyone happy - and that it isn't a failure on my part. Or so I'd like to think. *shrug*

...

University itself is, as best as I can quote, "...a blur. A stressful, surreal, blur."

Handling shitloads of transactions and applications and dunnowtf's by myself and having only myself to blame if I get them mixed up or forget, is pretty darn grr.

And the lessons? Like why is the degree world running at fastforward speed. My poor brain's smoking.

But to their credit, I really do love Accounting and Economics, and I think Mankiw writes textbooks in the cutest way - I smile everytime I read it! Hahah.

And I love tutorials! Yes kill me now.

And I love the Law Library! The kids there are so stressed out about their million-word essays that you get a little tense hearing (eavesdropping) them talk, that you just have you sit your ass down and concentrate harder on what you're doing to try and match up. Resulting in more work getting done. Hahah.

I'm a little sad my other subject is a lot like what Edgar & Daniel's class used to be, without Edgar or Daniel. Or Sylvea. Or Cathy. :(

...

I always get into arguments with Xtians (the only kind it is politically correct for me to get into religious arguments with) about their faith and upholding religious... you know, duties, rituals, etc.

So obviously I have not read the Bible beyond the tiny section of the creation of the universe.

So I pick up my roomie's book and decide to open my mind for once and give it a chance.

And then...

What. The. Fug.

That little section was about this guy, who saw two angels in the form of dudes, and said, "Yo! C'mon over to my place dawgs!!" Or something to that effect in ancient Hebrew. So they pergi lah. Then right, all the men of the city right, turn up at the guy's door, and say, "Eh macha! Where the two f'lers you brought over to your house as guests? Bring them out now! We're super horny and we want to give them both a good bang." Wow a hundred over penises up your ass in one night. That's gonna hurt in the morning.

Okay so anyway the guy says, "Eh cannot la... These fellas my guests lah. How can do such thing! Don't disgrace me can! Eh tell you what la. I got two daughters, both virgins. I'll take them out and give them to you; do whatever you please to them." SERIOUSLY WTF. Guaranteed one-way ticket to the Rumah Orang-orang Tua.

But the men of the city tak mau. They want ass. MAN ass. "No you stfu! You blardy pendatang think you can tell us what to do?! We don't have all night; now get out of the way!" So they like all hornily rush into the guy's house and buka the pintu to the room where the angel dudes were, and then... THEY GO BLIND.

Moral of the story: Men don't fuck men. If you even think about it, you will go blind. So don't do it okay.

Okay so it continues, something about God angry with the city of buggers so he like destroyed it and the guy's wife turning into garam (okay okay I only continued reading because I didn't expect the Bible to have such scandalous themes) and yadaa yadaa.

Years have passed and the guy is now like super old. The two daughters (yes the ones he was so ready to offer to the men to shag) say how much they kesian their father because he's about to keel over and doesn't have an heir. So this is their brilliant plan: "We'll make dear old Pops so drunk, then we'll fuck him, and we'll have his heirs for him. He'll finally be happy." Oh yeah.

Um, so they summed it up and said that's how some two nations originated. But don't quote me on this I was already really really disturbed.

OMG WTF. WHAT IS THAT SHIT DOING IN A HOLY BOOK?!?! SOMEBODY FIRE THE EDITOR!

And to think Momma wanted me to read the thing when I was a kid. Boy, I wonder what I would've growed up to be.

Oh and the text on circumcision. *smacks forehead* Apparently if you've not undergone the snip-snip, you have like, no Offer & Acceptance with God or something, and I do believe there are instructions to ostracize people in your household who refuse to get it done. What turf.

It is for reasons like this I think religion is a made up bunch of bull that has successfully bullshitted millions over the last couple of thousand years. I mean, so illogical! Why would the Great Architect, design you with foreskin only to have you slice it off?! Such a waste of resources!

I will come up with a religion that requires everyone to remove their appendix.

...

My sexay doc called me gundu! TT.TT

...

I am on a buying disgustingly pretty things spree. What am I turning into.

...

Hate it when you whine. Shut your pie-hole and just do it. Do yourself a favour and grow the fuck up.



PS: I have noticed that this post has increased in percentage of unnecessary profanity. I apologize, but will blame it on reduced adult supervision. :P