Growing Pains

This blog so far has mostly served as an outlet for me to blow off some steam whenever I feel life is getting a little too tough on me. In a way, it has become a sort of record of new problems I have to face, and how I felt at the time, how I dealt with it, and the results that came of it.

In recent days troubles that have fallen upon close ones were made known to me.

Human beings are strange creatures. We are completely rational in theory. At any other time we display recurring acts of irrationality. But one of the plus points of having friends is that when you are in shit and your thoughts are clouded by anxiety, you have people who love you and you can rely on who are removed from the situation, and can therefore give you the clarity that you cannot access by yourself in that current state.

In role-playing a rational person, I suddenly realize that the lot of sense that I was spewing was actually true and completely sound, not to toot my own horn.

I don't know what it's like for other young adults my age, but this point in life, for me, is a period of self-examination. Figuring out what the big picture is.

One of the things I said was that whenever life seems a little too hard on you, treat it as a lesson, and a test, you have to both learn and overcome, quickly. The funny thing about life that it seems that retakes are always harder than the first time you have to face it. If you didn't respond quickly and efficiently enough last time, if you sidestepped it, or chose to avoid it altogether - the next lesson will be like a boulder to the face.

The problem is, we don't like change. Most of us, anyway. But whenever I was uncomfortable, out of my element, struggling - I made progress. Lots of it. And even if it felt weird and awkward and uncomfortable and I really didn't want to do it in the beginning - I was really, truly proud of my accomplishments. Kinda like leveling up in a game. And then I look bad and laugh at how silly I was not minutes ago.

It seems odd that we want so desperately to 'grow up' - to live on our own, earn our own dollars and spend it the way we want, be wild and go to dodgy places like clubs, experiment with and indulge in numerous questionable stimulants, but we want to whine and not be adults when faced with the responsibilities of growing up.

This is a note to myself - that whenever life seems to get a little too hard, it's a sign for me to step up my game, and I will rise to it. Scared and ridiculous as I will be, I will do it. It's going to be hard and I will feel really awkward, but it's completely necessary if I am to become a better me. I am willing to shed the deadweight parts of my inner child. I will grab life my the balls and emerge the victor!

Because there are things worth fighting for. Yourself.

By the way, Scott Pilgrim is ridiculous. And awesome. :D

何ですか?

It's not so much a compromise - it's acknowledging that while you have your desires and your right to be upset, your thoughts and actions also affect others other than yourself, and that they deserve to be taken into consideration too. Sometimes it's okay to let go, so that others can have a turn at uncomplicated bliss, which is never truly without the expense of someone else. Looking back, in your young life, having never felt less than happy and unaware, do you not think it's time to take that step into adulthood, and let those who have been responsible for your happiness feel the way they have been letting you feel for such a long time, for a change?

It's only grateful. Fair.

Once you understand that everyone should have their turn to be allowed to feel that way. That the kind of happiness most taken for granted is the kind that we don't even know we're feeling. Then you start to see who is responsible for your happiness. The kind that is uncomplicated, free.

It came that way because of the sacrifices someone else made. Swallowing back hurt or emotions. Spending less so you can have more. All the time never telling you about it so you won't have to worry. All for you.

It's only right that now that you can see this, that you take a deep breath and do the same, for them. Sometimes it involves doing things that defy the logic of self-interest, but you know that it is the right thing to do. These are the things that nobody can teach you, that you can only discover for yourself in the course of your life. Even if you came to understand a little later than others, and you have only begun to scratch the surface, you must take pride that you have grown up, if just a little.

I've always thought I knew how to love. Not exactly. Having discovered this one facet of it makes me realize how much of an effort it is to develop such a deep and complex relationship with another human being. And despite the sheer amount of work involved, everyone seeks it. Everyone needs it. And so they have, and will, for eons to come.

I don't think I'm ruining something so instinctual and natural by over-analyzing it. I believe, when you take the time to understand something, even if not entirely, you learn how to appreciate it better, and it becomes even more beautiful. Even if it's not always rainbows and butterflies. Because you have to acknowledge something to exist to appreciate something else. How can there be light without darkness?

Push and pull. Give and take. The tide. The wheel. Up and down. Peaks and vales. It's all the same, don't you see?

Project Paint My Wall à la Collage?

Alrighty!

I have come up with a breeleeyant idea for a project! And I'm really really excited and the reason I'm writing about it is because I have a tiny issue with commitment and I feel once I have put it down here, it'll help me get started for real. It's kinda like I'm signing a pre-nup with my idea. Hahah.

Basically, it's a little like Project 365 which I've seen lots of people do for awhile now, but I'm not going to do that because I am a lousy photographer. :P

The idea is to pick a wall in the house, and divide it into squares about 7in x 7in, and basically just fill in those squares with whatever I feel like painting in.

Seeing as to the fact that I don't actually have a diary, I thought this would be a perfect opportunity to chronicle this current point of my life, but not really, because a lot of the squares could quite possibly be picture gags like this one. Because I have a sophisticated sense of humour like that.

Just stuff. I don't think I really need to explain it.

Also I think it would be great to develop a brand-new skill and hopefully I'll even learn some cool stuff along the way.

So anyway! I will be going to to hardware shop for paint soon (tomorrow?) and I have already chosen my first piece! It's really simple but I might be more ambitious in future and paint someone's face! Any willing contributors? Anyone? :D Of course I would have to learn how to vector your portrait (I'm no Van Gogh so I'll need to cheat!) but if you're cool enough to contribute to my silly little project then I shall be cool enough to learn how to use Photoshop. :)

One of the rules of setting goals is to set a realistic time period in which you hope to achieve that goal, but I don't really know when I will be done with this, or whether it will end up like most people's Project 365's. But the wall would look really strange if I painted in like 10 squares and lost interest so yeah. I may not be brave enough to get tattoo sleeves (I chickened out, did I tell you that? After the disaster with my first one. I'm still in the process of getting rid of it and I'm horribly embarrassed about it and in case you were wondering, YES IT HURTS LIKE A BITCH!!) but I can still decorate my wall with random pictures!

Wish me luck! ;)



PS: OMG the post has been sitting here for like an HOUR. I'm getting cold feet?!? This is ridiculous. COMMIT!! *clicks Publish button*

改变自己

Clearly, I do not get much respect.

From anyone.

But from you... Well, that's a bit too much for me to take.

I have respected you as much as a person can respect another human being. Everything you say is brought to my consideration and by default, everything you say is true.

Because you're so smart and insightful and cool and funny and open-minded.

My long-held beliefs of you were shattered that day.

It became clear to me that you did not want me as a participant in your life, that you expected me to sit content by the sidelines, because according to you, I have nothing to offer intellectually.

OUCH.

MAJOR, MAJOR OUCH.

For someone I love and respect so much, to say that to me... Wow. I can't even find the words.

Judging by how you won't even hear me out, how you keep interrupting me to assert how you are right and I am wrong, before even hearing what I have to say before discerning my accuracy on the matter, just shows your utter disrespect to me. And how I hate it when you're so full of yourself at times.

Yes. You heard me. Your arrogance is not something I will be taking. You might not like to hear it, but that doesn't change the fact that it is true. I deserve respect just like everyone else, and by gum you will show it to me.

Therein lies a small problem.

Not a whole lot of people have respect for me. I don't think I'm largely hated or anything; it's just that if it's a major job or decision or an important discussion, I'm rarely, if ever, included. If nearly everyone reacts the same, the problem must be me.

I know that I am just as capable as the next Joe in everything; but perhaps I do not exhibit such qualities of someone worthy of respect, trust and whose opinions are taken seriously and are of significant value.

Perhaps they are responding to the way I act - perhaps my humour should be less self-deprecating. Perhaps I should stop acting like an airhead just for amusement. Perhaps I should engage in substantial conversation more often. Perhaps I should not be embarrassed to show what I can do. Perhaps I can direct my feelings of displeasure in a more constructive way as opposed to wallowing in tears and despair.

Perhaps I should change the image I project of myself.

Change comes from within, and thus in context I am changing the very fabric of me.

Will I get better response with this new me?

Honestly? I don't know. But it's a shot at something better than now.

But until then, I cannot speak to you until I know you respect me, and I cannot be sure of that until I make myself worthy. I am angry and deeply hurt because of what you said, but what you think of me is my own fault, and at nobody else's discretion to change but mine.

Heart On My Sleeve

Okay, it's true. This needs a little update.

WARNING: Bloody long and senseless emotional conversation with myself ahead.

I've been having a hard time meeting new people at the new uni. Time and time again I remember how I met incredible people and how it ached not seeing them again.

Kindie.

First grade.

Second.

Sixth.

Second year of high school.

Teen basic.

Fifth.

ATC.

Work.

I console myself and say, "Well, aren't you glad that these relationships happened?"

Yes, yes I am. I wouldn't want to change meeting you guys for anything in the world.

It's really amazing that all of you are so different - and therefore beautiful - in your own special ways.

The way you laugh.

Your little quirks.

The way we can talk about everything and nothing at all.

The dorky things and hysterical moments we share.

The important things in your life you let me in on.

How you tell me about things I've never heard of before.

All of you add a little something in my life which makes up a little part of who I am. And I love you so so much. But when it's time to move on it gets a little hard on me.

Maybe I shouldn't be so attached to things. Maybe this is a little lesson in growing up.

Maybe I should just go out and have as many good times with as many people as I can - and be happy about it.

Can I?

***

PS: Spam is getting a pretty intolerable. Might change URL soon?

FF13

Is awesome. So awesomely pretty I could die. So awesome, that I-don't-play-RPGs Justin has been roped in. So awesome... Okay I'll stop now. But it *is* pretty awesome. :B

***

Rant alert!

Day by day I grow a little more weary of women. So complicated, so complicating, so emotional, so sensitive, such drama magnets.

It drives me insane. Up the wall. I swear.

Now I know why boys were/are favoured as kids. Makes me wish I were a man but I'd have to marry one so that would kind of defeat the purpose.

I am making no sense.

The point is, companionship is supposed to make you feel good. Lift your spirits. Make you feel loved and appreciated and give you that extra kick to keep going on. But many a time when I'm in female company I just feel worried and frustrated and emotionally drained.

But how do you judge someone who's just like you.

Well that was utterly pointless. Moving on.

***

Finals in April coming up soon. Starts a day before my birthday (can you say, whee?) and stretches out for 2 weeks. Lecturers are nagging us to get our studying rears in gear. And so it begins.

THANK GOD I will have a month's worth of hols in May before 2nd Sem starts. Oh God, 2nd Sem... *buries face in hands*

I'm guessing I'll major in Accounting; I'm realizing now that not having basics for Econs and Management theories makes things just a stretch harder to pick up.

On another note, was helping out Justin with Science and Math today when I realized that I totally cannot do Form 2 Math and Science anymore. I don't remember the basic rules for angles and indices and algebra; I can't remember what a cochlea does and why the doc sticks the syringe in your arm and not your eye for instance. Jeebus where did all that knowledge go.

I am smart I am smart I am smart yes I am...

***

Speaking of high school stuff I was going through the scribblies in my old books when I found a jumbled poem I wrote while not paying attention in a certain class.

And so he writes
With chalk upon the blackboard
I think to myself: "Go fly kites,
I'm really bored!!!"

Sigh. I was such an eloquent child. Wide-range vocabulary too.

PS: I think I've figured it out. I just don't like you very much.

I Have Been Called Many Things.

I have been called a bitch.



I have been called perverted.



I have been called a "banana".



I have been called fat.

Ooh yeah baby come get some


I have been called blonde.



I have been called a big baby.



Heck; I've been called Ugly Betty.



Some have even compared my nose to Michael's.



But the one thing that I will not stand for, is if people call me

.

.

.

.

.

SEPET.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you, *the face*. And his friend, *the finger*.

My eyes happen to be HUGE dammit.

See.

Fuck you very much.


***


On a more sober note, I've noticed that a coupla buddies have been having it rough lately. I'm no good with words; especially when it matters. But hey! The sun's shining, the Earth's spinning round, you're still here. Cheer up 'kay! It doesn't do the stalker good to see ya down. :)

One day, I will man up enough to tell you that I care. Without sounding gay.

Until that day I shall remain chickenshit and ambiguous. And write nonsensical posts in a pitiful attempt to make you smile, if only for a second in your 24-hour day.

Loveyoumwahbye