改变自己

Clearly, I do not get much respect.

From anyone.

But from you... Well, that's a bit too much for me to take.

I have respected you as much as a person can respect another human being. Everything you say is brought to my consideration and by default, everything you say is true.

Because you're so smart and insightful and cool and funny and open-minded.

My long-held beliefs of you were shattered that day.

It became clear to me that you did not want me as a participant in your life, that you expected me to sit content by the sidelines, because according to you, I have nothing to offer intellectually.

OUCH.

MAJOR, MAJOR OUCH.

For someone I love and respect so much, to say that to me... Wow. I can't even find the words.

Judging by how you won't even hear me out, how you keep interrupting me to assert how you are right and I am wrong, before even hearing what I have to say before discerning my accuracy on the matter, just shows your utter disrespect to me. And how I hate it when you're so full of yourself at times.

Yes. You heard me. Your arrogance is not something I will be taking. You might not like to hear it, but that doesn't change the fact that it is true. I deserve respect just like everyone else, and by gum you will show it to me.

Therein lies a small problem.

Not a whole lot of people have respect for me. I don't think I'm largely hated or anything; it's just that if it's a major job or decision or an important discussion, I'm rarely, if ever, included. If nearly everyone reacts the same, the problem must be me.

I know that I am just as capable as the next Joe in everything; but perhaps I do not exhibit such qualities of someone worthy of respect, trust and whose opinions are taken seriously and are of significant value.

Perhaps they are responding to the way I act - perhaps my humour should be less self-deprecating. Perhaps I should stop acting like an airhead just for amusement. Perhaps I should engage in substantial conversation more often. Perhaps I should not be embarrassed to show what I can do. Perhaps I can direct my feelings of displeasure in a more constructive way as opposed to wallowing in tears and despair.

Perhaps I should change the image I project of myself.

Change comes from within, and thus in context I am changing the very fabric of me.

Will I get better response with this new me?

Honestly? I don't know. But it's a shot at something better than now.

But until then, I cannot speak to you until I know you respect me, and I cannot be sure of that until I make myself worthy. I am angry and deeply hurt because of what you said, but what you think of me is my own fault, and at nobody else's discretion to change but mine.