Reflections, Regrets, Resolutions And Other Things

WARNING:

Potentially offensive (though not intentional, nor directed at anyone.) and/or annoying, whiny ranting material ahead.

You are advised to skip right ahead to the end bit.

***

I cannot pretend I haven't reflected on the matter.
(After all I must have cried enough to drown the people of Seremban by now)

Obviously CACat aren't results you would call "awesome".

Mom clearly expressed disappointment, and Dad's somewhat stunned, to say the least.

I know I've always done what I do when it comes to academics for others, and I am barely self-motivated, especially in this aspect.

So I think, WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME?!

Not a healthy, productive approach, I know.

I am not the guy who pores over his books with vigour and enthusiasm, I am not the guy who peppily answers all questions in class, who is all glowing and beaming when he collects his scholarship.

Scholarship. It's like a dirty word to me now.

And people can't stop saying it.

I know times are hard. Obviously I do not have the luxury of being an only child, and the time to pay for Justin's college fees will come before I know it.

Can I really be that selfish?

The hope of getting one is but a bygone now, and all I can do now is go along and do my very best for A2, and when it comes to whatever degree it is I'll be pursuing, all I can work for are the merit awards, supposing they are available where I'll be.

I admit I lack the maturity expected of young adults my age, and lack the common sense to link drive and ambition to desire and long-term happiness. So I'll ask myself:

What about those kids you wanted? Doesn't their happiness mean anything to you?
Do you really want them to talk obsessively about snow they'll never see? How will you feel then?

I want the best of them. Everything. Location, education, lifestyle, friends, entertainment. I want so much for them and they don't even exist yet.

I know Mom and Dad haven't given me the toughest time about it, but the smallest words can destroy me. Because I can imagine how it would feel.

If I can feel so much for my imaginary future offspring, how strongly then do they feel about me? How will they feel, that all the time and emotion and revenue invested in this being, has come to nothing? Where did they go wrong? Did they fail as parents?

I feel as though I have let the world down. The lecturers, so proud of their trade, also see this investment of theirs, producing such unsatisfactory grades, might start to question their abilities.

And so the circle of bad-feeling continues.

Not that I wish to carry the burdens of the world upon my unfit shoulders but we cannot deny that our actions and our achievements henceforth affect not only us and our immediates.

I'm sure many of my current classmates share my sentiments, although to what degree precisely I cannot tell. Most of them have resolved to "get serious", whatever that means.

I don't goof off, I pay attention in class, but outside of it, I do not touch my books. Does it surprise anyone now?

I don't know how but I'll structure my notes and actually understand what the heck it is I'm doing this time around, or die trying.

A couple of people have resolved to like, suck the fun outta their lives almost entirely. That is their decision and if they have the mental strength to slog, by all means.

I, however, am but only mortal, and I need my earthly pleasures, and by gum I will continue cooking. It makes me happy, and happiness fuels the high I need to face the lows in life. Take that away and I will have nothing. It will be subsistence. Balance is everything. =]

***

That aside, I realized the supreme difficulty of not having a shoulder to cry on. I cried in class. I cried in the office. I cried on the friggin' bus. All in the presence of strangers or people who barely even know my name.

It effing SUCKS.

Not to be a moper but it helps with the release. You know, if you have somebody there with you.

On the brighter side, I am truly grateful to those who asked me if I'm okay, I'm sorry if I didn't respond all too well, but thank you very much for your concern, and I am very touched.

I am particularly touched by Mr. Siva's concern, who must have asked me how I'm coping thirty times by now. (this is the guy who once said anyone who hits on me is liable for having bad taste)

Thank you for offering your advice. Really appreciate it. =)

***

Oh well, onward to life. Bring it on.

***

Oh yes. Chinese New Year's coming.

So here's to you guys in advance.

Kgoong Hee Fatt Choy, hoong pao naa loyy!

Teehee.

Happy holidays, everyone.

There's nothing like good ol' cooking to lift your spirits. =)

P.S.: POTLUCK THIS SUNDAY!! Can't wait to try out xiu loong bao tomorrow!! ^^